What is Self-sabotage?

Adapted from an article in Psychology Today, Carolyn Ross, 2021

Self-sabotage – thinking about this in relation to our plans to have a healthy weight, shape, and size, and we embark on a programme of some kind to help us get there….. but somehow we get in the way of ourselves and keep what are effectively unhelpful and disordered thoughts and feelings around eating, weight, shape, and size active – despite you desperately wanting it all to end.

Did you know that this is something that many people experience? It’s really common for self-sabotaging beliefs and behaviours to surface when we approach something we truly want. This sounds pretty counterintuitive; why on earth would we do this when we really want to have this outcome? We have worked so hard to (almost) get there?

You may not realise this consciously, but it can feel too overwhelming and scary to be without the “thing” that has been your source of comfort when things have been hard in the past. How do you cope when things get tough? Do you comfort eat? Binge on carbs? Have you been applying food rules (good, bad, allowed, not allowed, etc.) which are the very foods you turn to in times of trouble?

Self-sabotage is common and happens to many people, including those who seem the most confident. Just think about it – 80% of people who make New Year’s resolutions in January are unable to keep them by February. Why? Something happens to “stop” it. We could dismiss this as just being about things like boredom, or the resolution was too challenging, etc. – but sometimes it is something more. For some, the goal is very difficult to contemplate. They think “What’s next? I have always had this issue – I can’t imagine life without it – it feels exposing”.

Self-sabotage is not uncommon in those who struggle with emotional eating or binge eating.

Self-sabotage can therefore be defined as undermining yourself or your own plans or goals.

Self-sabotage occurs when we undermine ourselves, whether it be physically, mentally, or emotionally, or deliberately hinder our own success and well-being by undermining our personal values and goals. Self-sabotage can be either conscious or unconscious – an example is when you go to a shop and order food you like but this food is not on your “allowed” food list, so you buy it “for your partner”. You then binge on it later. This “pretence” is a form of self-sabotage. Another example of unconscious sabotage is “forgetting” a date you made to go to a running club or exercise class, or suddenly being too busy at work to go.

Over time, self-sabotage can negatively impact all areas of your life, including physical and mental health, social relationships, work and career, as well as financially and so on. It can start insidiously but left unchecked can prevent someone from recovering from issues and moving on with life.

Many people who struggle with these issues also tend to be hard on themselves, which can also be a form of self-sabotage. The belief that you need to be perfect often leaves you feeling “you’re not good enough.” The fear of making mistakes can lead to not doing anything or putting things off, and this procrastination is another common form of self-sabotage.

Self-Sabotage and disordered thoughts, feelings, and actions around food and eating

A history of trauma can lead to feelings of being unsafe, making you feel you don’t deserve to succeed or to have good things in life. Sometimes behaviours, especially around food, may have developed to cope with overwhelming emotions or situations when you were younger. These are called “adaptive” behaviours because they help us “adapt” to uncomfortable situations – whether it be childhood trauma, moving to a new neighbourhood, or being bullied, for example. When these behaviours extend into our adult lives, they can cause unwanted behaviours such as binge eating and emotional eating. Being neglected as a child can lead to low self-esteem and cause us to sabotage relationships or make ourselves feel unattractive to avoid being vulnerable or getting hurt. Being in a bigger body can feel safer for many trauma survivors.

Self-sabotage can be part of your mindset. A sabotaging mindset includes negativity, disorganisation, indecisiveness, and negative self-talk. Sometimes we consciously or unconsciously engage in mindless distractions that keep us from reaching our goals. Some mindless distractions include binge-watching TV, surfing the internet, scrolling through social media, video game obsession, and internet shopping.

But it’s not just what goes on in our mind that leads to self-sabotage; it is also unwanted behaviours – binge eating or overeating, drinking too much, overspending, obsessively thinking about food or your body.

Other behaviours help us avoid situations, people, or emotions with which we’re uncomfortable. These behaviours keep us stuck in self-sabotage though. Examples include procrastination, being late all the time, quitting when things get tough, being a people-pleaser, or lacking assertiveness.

What gets rewarded gets repeated. (positivepsychology.com) If self-sabotage is so bad for us, so painful, why does it get repeated? This is an interesting thing to think about, because it’s true that we don’t keep doing something if we’re not getting something from it. If this seems weird, think about it. Really think about it, as you may find that your behaviours do provide something — comfort, a reward, an escape, a way to rebel or avoid. To stop the behaviours, it’s important to identify the root cause and heal that.

We all have an inner critic — that little voice in the back of our minds that’s always telling us what we’ve done wrong or could have done better and why we’re not worthy or that we’ll never get it right. Our inner critic constantly challenges us – not to do better but to believe we can’t do better.

Therapeutic coaching, counselling, and other forms of therapy can help you manage and reduce the self-sabotage by working together to discover and manage these behaviours, the habits, the inner critic, and the “baggage” that you carry; we work together to gently replace unhelpful habits with more positive ones. How we do this depends on your needs, but it can be a very powerful way to help you on your way to overcoming the barriers that are holding you back.

You may well notice the positive impact in other ways, including managing relationships, work, and ability to communicate assertively, as it is very common for the same behaviours to manifest across many areas of your life, not just in relation to food, eating, and your body.

If you believe that self-sabotage is an issue for you, then speak with your coach initially.

In my sessions, I will work on anything you would like to “bring to the table” and help you understand what might be going on and most importantly, how you can stop it!